Not sorry anymore

It’s dangerous and it can be seen deadly. Do not want to be caught at that moment anymore because the it may fall deeper and lose control if it is involved with feeling. Why not make a shift of the things? It will be better, right? We are allowed to shift anything around. But How much shift to be made ?– I am reminded not to break through the barriers because I may not have the second chance to be shift it back in a normal mode again. If the barriers are break through, the state of mind will run wildly without rationale thoughts. I am scared by it because it’s not in a state of divine at all. So do not take me in again because I may fall again and there is no surety I am able to be stand up by myself again. It may get worse and worse. I want it to be frozen to this point and let that point to be flush away from the mind.

An apologies to be made is not necessary anymore. From begin I am the one to be blame of all so the wrong is me BUT I am sorry to myself. Say that I am selfish and who are not selfish. I know it has been too long since I have not caught them up on my life but I am trying to heal myself so do not blame me. I have too much to think and have too much to cure. Not only curing myself but also someone close to me. I am always in a state of busy mind.

Talking about selfish. I have always wanted to be selfish. From young I am never selfish, I have always share mine with others and I am always willing to let my pair of hands to help someone but in the end I got nothing back. People always think they have sacrifice a lot but sometimes to think back we all in the world has equal sacrifices. I have always thought I had sacrifice more than anyone besides me but it’s ok no matter how much already because at least I have being selfish for once at that moment to avoid of get caught at that moment.

So why not let me be selfish for once? Let me to be out of the moment. My heart can be melt easily so do not talk those cock with me. I do not want to hear anymore. It’s non of my fucking business anymore! Do not use others to tell me those fucking shit. I do not want to ask but why keep on letting me know! I hate receiving those messages. So fuck off from my life! Gosh just let me be the devil for once and I will not feel any sorry for it. Think that I have a heart of stone or whatever! So now I am going to say it’s not MY FUCKING FAULT!

For The Newly Wed on 09.06.08

The source of your marriage will be love and happiness

Let happiness uplifts you and him

Let happiness fills both of you and him's heart, mind and soul

Let happiness gives you and him the strength needed

Let happiness gives your newly build family a good feeling that enters your mind each day

Let happiness takes you and his sadness away from the past and coming days

Let happiness fills yours and his eyes with joy

Let happiness makes your new family excited and thrilled

Let happiness warms both of you and his heart and soul each day

Let happiness gives you and him a sense of relief each today together

Let happiness welcomes you and him each morning when both of you get up

Let happiness to be seen in both of you and his eyes in the coming days under a roof

Let happiness be send by me to you and him always

Best wishes all the time to you and him

Congratulation My Dear friend! (17 days to go!) ;) *winks*

Do not walk ahead me because I may not cope up with you

Do not walk far behind from me because I may not know how to lead the road ahead

Why don't we walk by each other side so there are no coping and leading needed, my dear friend?

I may not want to turn my head back or think about what is heading in front

I prefer to walk together heading to the unknown road without any facing back of our past

It's hard to let a rock down from our shoulder which we have been carrying quite a while BUT HOWEVER it's has turn history so let's walk the road ahead with guts and open-hearted

Life isn't easy but I am believing that I had better one than some of them in the world

We live once and why not let it be the fullest of all

Every ups and downs we encounter are chapters of our life

In the end of the day of our life we can flip back the chapters we have made and laugh at it because "you have been through it and you did finished the road of life - no matter how much failure or success, it's made by you"

I never believe in next life

I do not dare to talk about my next life as I have not finish this life so why not finish it with courage

Forget the unforgiven history and remember the beautiful memories

Life get complex and difficult as we get older but while we get older, we get wiser

The closer of any relationship or friendship is, the greater the betrayal will be

There is no greater enemy than one who was once our greatest friend

Saying I AM SORRY is a difficult things to do

But those ships is one main thing that make life worthwhile

No matter what it will be in one of our life chapter, so we have to face our life with intrepidity.

Here In My Home

They rawk! Love NIng Baizura voice! so sexayyy n strong! Two thumbs up people! Loving it....

Do you want one?

Ever think of having how many of this lil tiny life? Or thinking not to have any? Bearing a child is hard and some more to raise them up is all bout $$$? We are used to be like them and I am wondering if our parents have the same thought like nowdays generation which is so sensitive about having kids and being very calculative to bear a child - then we will not be here at all right?

I had a BAD DAY

I had a bad day and I guess there are ppl have not a relli good day oso! But after having a fresh air it helps though! so i m feeling okay now! How bad it is
I dun think it will be that bad, huh?!-----> kekekee...It's Fergie, she sprained her ankle, yay with tat high of heels! Gosh, when I was a kid I do not knw why I always sprained my ankle even I am on bare feet so I do not like spraining ankle feeling - it relli hurts! Tats why I dun relli wear heels, before I wear I have tis picture of myself getting pain by spraining ankle or just stumble over sth with those heels. I am heels lover but still to avoid to fall over with a heel or get hurt to my feet I wont take that risk no matter hw nice the heels are.....hehehe....Guess Fergie feel a very BIG OUCH there!

Happy Mum Day! *spoiled*

It's a day again! Recently, I seems to have not enough time for doing stuff. The time jz goes so fast. Times goes too fast and things seems to be happening so unexpectedly all the time. At 1st, today shud be a gr8 day which everyone will be celebrating our mum's day but I end up sitting here blogging! No celebration today no celebration for her tis yr. Since this morning, I came home she just pulled a long face and I tried to talk to her but there are no reply at all. All of a sudden, my dad came home telling me that he is sick of mum so why dun u help her out thr. So, I drove over to just help her and since 2pm till now we did not speak a word. I dono wat get her into tis **** mood. Anyway, I cant do much actually so Happy or Sad mUm day!

Sometimes when you have a plan in the mind - in d end of the day it jz got out of hand so that is why I never wan to expect too much in anything becoz I am jz too afraid thgs that get out of control. My semester is ending soon and my final falls on the June which is 2 day after my dear fren wedding. Its kinda stress here coz I do not knw whether I can go tru it and to reach my final step of uni which is next sem! I m going to face damn SIX subjects so yay! - it is sure gonna have my damn fucking time to due with! I will jz lose my breathe anytime at that time. Anyhow, tis sem havent to an end yet so I better not to think too big of the picture of my final sem!

Sigh! I am kinda sad here! I am sad that, thgs is coming up so pack nowdays, and mum isnt happy today and dad is unhappy with mum- sigh! Do not knw wat to do and what to say however Mum, yes I love you! hm~

I wonder where is my dad now! Is he out dinner by himself? Is he out to watch the thomas n uber badminton cup? hMm! Y he din wait 4 me 2 go with him? sheesh~ both age add up oledi wanna be 200 lorr still "sa fa chiong mei" - gRr!

So young yet so many issues to be handle and of cos there are endless issue in future for me to face of cos so take it as a stage or test to go tru! However live life to the fullest anyway. If nt wat for stay on being a human here......Nth is impossible and thr will be miracle which I have always believe and I have few miracle happens to me at the past and Thank God that you do listen to my prayer! So, This is jz my pointless day.....do di do di do di do......

Short or Long hair suits me more?

Seems like everytime I had a mentally break down I will just do sth to my hair. Remembering that when in yr 2006 I was so emotional becos of certain personal issue then all of a sudden I told Edmund I wanna cut my hair short till above shoulder length and in jz a thought straight I went to the barber and had my hair "zap" it all down. That was when I start to have short hair then come along not until 2week Jass saying why I have to cut it like a kid's hair ----> (china doll hair which is in same length) and before this was this long----> so if to compare which 1 better? which is younger? Hahaha! or is it no difference at all? LOL! Then of cos not more than 2 weeks I was push by Miss Jxxx to another saloon to cut it off again which turns into like tat--> so it turns tis way......and until tis yr slowly I got back my hair over shoulder which is this long ---> then today I just had it zap off till this short --> and front of cos has not much diff jz has a lil fringe cut so however is like back 2 normal again which is short hair. Feel so comfortable and my head is so lot lighter now. So,in future I will jz stay this old way which isl prefer short hair cos at least i look more tidy and younger i guess. Hahaha! anyway, tats all for update? what u all think of it? SHORT OR LONG BETTER? HEHEHEHE.....

Mentally breaking down....

Hm! Just got back yam cha with Mz Jxxx, I am kinda feeling low in mood and I do not know what is goin on inside this blank head of me. I shud be starting my soon due assignt but I do not have the mood to start anythg! I guess I still have problem expressing my own feeling but I got nothing to be express le. But something inside is making me feeling down. But what is it? I do not really know the answer. Is it becos of feeling of gettin near to go away from home? Is it that I have been thinking too much n over here? Maybe I will not go away from here. It is scary to think of leaving my parent. Am I too much dependent here or I am fearing becos they are old dy? Sigh, do not wan any specific thought here but I am thinking so much far away but in the mind it seems so close and the clock is ticking fast. When I was kid I always cant wait to be a teen then to be an adult but when the age reach 20s, the clock seems to be ticking faster than before. And day by day just gone by like that - without any achievement or anything tat make the day valued. It seems like time being wasted so much. It is all so ironic, when life tends to be goin slow in motion and nth much goin around like having to face ups n downs still I complain. ANd when life having ups n downs I will start complainin as well. Humans are never ever satisfied of what they are having. It is all so imperfect! Even 1 day it is actually so perfect dy, still I think I will feel imperfect becos expectation and determination will change and it seems to be more and more which does not have a finish line at all. Have you ever thought of stop breathing for awhile? Or just be gone from the world 4 awhile?

Sigh, I am thinking to stop breathing awhile but how? My life is no rush at all but why do I feel so tired of breathing? Nothing to bother but studies only and yet I am sick of breathing? Sigh, thinking about wat I had in mind is so foolish. There are people around the world who may have a harder lifetime than me and they maybe not having this kind of thought but me! - having this stupid boring and kinda "ok" life makes me so tired? I am jz so weak! weak in evrythg! Sometimes I wanna show that I am strong no matter inside of me or outside of me but in the end I like to throw the bucket of water on myself and saying to myself I am jz a weak fellow. I really hope I can graduate tis yr end and I wanna have a change of life situation. But, sometimes I do ask myself am I ready for it? I am feeling so tiny now and I do not know what I am blabbering about. I just feel sick here. Sigh! How many sigh I have made dy? Sighhh.....

*I miss You*

It has been a month dy since he left and this is the very 1st night having to miss him. Was preparing to sleep but a sudden feeling is holding my eyes open and I actually misses him now. Was there shedding tears? Nah~ did not! ANd I guess this is my 1st time sms-ing him asking 'when can i c u?' sigh! Sometimes, no matter how tough or how long the relationship have been BUT if the feeling is there still will have a soft time to be a girl somehow which is telling him or jz a fren that I am missing him now! It is not that I am denying all this while but or maybe my mind has too much to think of and to be done with but now having to have some free time I tend to miss hiim...

To be apart is sad, missing someone is cruelty especially if you knw you hardly have the chance to see that missed person that fast. The feeling come mayb is oso another reason which is this 2 nights I have been watching some lovey dovey drama series which makes me feel a bit of emo and affectionate gua. Sigh! I am just too much easy to be influence especially emotional feelings. I hope I wont wonder too far with this emo here so I think I will get back normal after a good or is it a hard-to-sleep nite? :S bad signs here....sigh!

Loneliness is killing as well. I just sms-ed him telling him that I do not feel like attending 2molo class and the meeting but he say I can't coz if I gonna start this emo-feeling I will lose my track again and soon I will repeat my mistake again! so slap slap slap myself n dun feel emo cos u r a grown up! be more mature be old be wise nt to be affected by all this shit feel! Still, I miss you dear! I am wondering do you miss me actually? Am i trying to be lovey dovey here? No, it is a question and an answer needed here. But even you tell me you do miss me, and I am a girl still I will say I doubt that. Well, maybe girls r owes born 2 be doubting what the male species says. So lame right? I guess both species r lame gua. haha! (wat a cold joke...er a lame one here)

Well, I guess I have to stop here before I starts all those yucky words here. I am trying to cheer myself up here! So, I guess I have been good all this while dy cos after all I took a month to have this feeling so I m nt tat weak yet. LOL! Orite, gtg n have some try-hard sleeping time. Nitez all!

*miss u Mr*